In case you didn't know, Amazon—a.k.a. the online megamall where you buy your books, shoes, underwear, instant ramen, Day of the Dead candles, video games, and high-definition television sets—is in the television business. And every once in a while, the company posts a few pilots online so its users can check them out and then vote on which ones they think should be made into TV series. Last week, the company released its latest batch, and to save you the trouble of deciding which ones to watch, or possibly just to spread my opinion in hopes that you'll vote for the shows I want to see more of, I've written mini-reviews, in the style of Amazon user reviews, for all of them.
Here we go!
DOWN DOG
Currently rated 3.7 stars by Amazon users
Namaste, bitches! I am totally into yoga and go to classes five times a week in Los Angeles, because I find that yoga makes my body totally tight, which is THE BEST. I really like this show because Josh Casaubon, who plays a slacker yoga teacher who sets out to own his own yoga studio, is sooooo hot for a guy who is like 40. And Down Dog really gets the L.A. yoga scene right, because, you know, most of the people in the L.A. yoga scene are kinda weird and boring, and everyone on this show is kinda boring. But the sex scenes sure aren't! I wouldn't mind getting some private lessons from Josh Casaubon! Just don't tell my husband or he'll take my credit card away LOL!
Whatever happened to the good old days of the network sitcom? Cheers, Night Court, Seinfeld, now THOSE are comedies that tickled my funny bone. Amazon's Down Dog is supposed to be a comedy, but I don't really get it. Where's the wacky premise? What IS the premise, even? A stoner runs a yoga studio? That's not funny. The lead guy clearly landed the job because he's handsome, because I barely laughed at any of his jokes. You know who's funny? RICHARD MOLL! And what's with all the sex on Down Dog!? If I wanted there to be sex in my comedy, I'd watch, well, nothing! Sex and comedy aren't supposed to mix! This is no Seinfeld, I'll tell you that much.
Yoga, as I know it, is supposed to relax and strengthen the mind and body through steady breathing, meditative thinking, and careful body positioning. Down Dog is the anti-yoga, a half-hour "comedy" that will leave you on edge and agitated simply because it exists. The biggest problem is the main character, who manages to waste his good looks on a personality that's as interesting as a sweat stain on some Lulu Lemon leggings. Terrible voiceover work and a stretched-out background check of the leading man drag the show down from the start, and by the end, it doesn't do much to establish what it's actually about. Will it chronicle the guy's efforts to run the yoga studio business by himself? Is it about reconciling with his ex (a perennially worried Paget Brewster)? Does it have anything to do with yoga whatsoever? Down Dograises some legitimate questions about the idea of commitment (to anything, not just love), but it's mostly an unfunny man-child comedy with some sex scenes thrown in. Probably the worst pilot of the bunch.
SALEM ROGERS: MODEL OF THE YEAR 1998
Currently rated 4.0 stars by Amazon users
A comedy about a hot model? I'm in. Leslie Bibb (more like Leslie BABE LFMAO) is smokin' as Salem Rogers, a former supermodel who's trying to be hot and famous again. But of course she's crazy, right? She curses and farts and stuff HAHAHAHA I couldn't stop laughing when she farted. I mean, all hot chicks are crazy. Trust me, I know. Just take a look at my Amazon order history (economy packs of condoms, yo) and you'll see I crush gash all the time!!1!1!! That weird lady from SNL plays Salem's friend, but she isn't hot. Make sure you stick around until the end when the hot one gets nakked! Ladies look me up on adult friend finder!!!
Why can't I give this zero stars or negative a billion stars? Once again, a female comedian (Leslie Bibb) belittles herself by playing a sexualized object and stripping her clothes off. And her "ugly" friend is shoved aside like her pocket troll. On top of that, the character of Salem Rogers is a total asshole and always gets away with it, reinforcing the idea that as long as you're pretty, you act however you want. Oh and one other thing? THIS ISN'T FUNNY AT ALL. WatchTransparent instead.
Are you hot? Hit me up
This mismatched buddy comedy doesn't have a whole lot going for it beyond the chance to watch Leslie Bibb's body double fall into some chairs while naked. The show suffers the same problem as Down Dog: It's centered on a lame main character. Salem is the bitchy, raunchy, entitled type, which can be funny when it's done well (see: Eastbound & Down), in this case, the main character is flat-out annoying and unlikable. Rachel Dratch is great as the frumpy friend forever who lives in Salem's tall, slender shadow, but she's pretty bogged down with the simplistic and juvenile humor that plagues the entire show. Salem Rogers makes a strong case for giving the public an even earlier say in Amazon's TV development system, because there's no way this should've progressed past the pitch phase.
THE NEW YORKER PRESENTS
Currently rated 4.3 stars by Amazon users
I don't understand this. I was looking for some sort of story and all I got was short bits about subjects that had nothing to do with each other. A woman who cuts herself for art? A black guy who likes reptiles? Some weirdo wearing a football helmet and shouting about the end of the world? And that horrible eyesore at the end that was supposed to be poetry? No thanks! If you need me, I'll be watching House of Cards instead.
Good eve, my fellow man! At last we have a digital magazine that captures all the eccentricities of The New Yorker. While I will miss the tactile feel and satisfaction that comes from turning a page after ingesting it with the mind, this new online compilation of shorts feeds the soul with fascinating stories of some of Earth's most interesting cohabitants. In my heyday, I served as the editor of a leading publication, and I must commend The New Yorker Presents for its selection of subjects and its commitment to multimedia. Bravo, chaps!
Reading is for grandparents. With so many nerdy scientists spending their days behind safety goggles to invent new technologies, the least we can do is use the fruits of their labor to make old stuff obsolete. The New Yorker Presents is like flipping through a culture magazine without the fear of papercuts, and the pilot offers an interesting mix that features a short film (starring Brett Gelman as an evangelizing lunatic and Alan Cumming as God), an interview (with weirdo performance artist Marina Abramovic), a fascinating segment about a researcher who discovers a harmful side effect of pesticide in frogs, some cartoons (New Yorker-style), and an avant-garde poetry reading by Spider-Man himself (Andrew Garfield, not actually in character as Spider-Man). And since the show is less than 30 minutes long, no portion of it ever overstays its welcome. You can finish this while enjoying your morning cup of coffee, and its presentation is pretty nifty, too. I would watch more, if only to make myself feel cooler.