I've seen more than a few people complain about Game of Thrones' "No One," the eighth episode of the sixth season of the HBO hit. But I've also seen someone swear on their lives that green Gummi Bears are the best. To each his/her own, I guess, even when said "his" and/or "her" are DEAD WRONG. "No One" appears to be that episode where most people have reached their limit with being strung along, and I get it! You might be asking yourself where are the big action pieces? Where is the millions of dollars of production value to satisfy my bloodthirst? Why isn't this show exactly what I want it to be?
Personally, I enjoyed "No One" a lot despite some glaring holes. There were some great character interactions, some big developments (even if they crushed some hopes), and two people got their heads cut off or ripped off. That's satisfying for me. Game of Thrones has the unfair burden of living up to expectations, and to be honest, some people's expectations of the show are a little much. All I ask is to be immersed in a world that allows me to forget about my real life, develop a few crushes on some fictional characters, and watch a few beheadings. Mission accomplished. Leave the airtight storytelling to Zoo and the believability to Grey's Anatomy.
Now roll down some stairs on a bunch of fruit and let's discuss what happened in "No One."
"I choose violence." - Cersei Lannister
Boooooooo! Total. Bummer. I know this quote from The Hound (Rory McCann) was aimed at Joffrey, but let's all join together in a chorus to repeat what he grumbled before: "F*** the king." Tommen (Dean-Charles Chapman) continued his march right up the list of Game of Thrones' worst people when he decided to change the rules of tradition and eliminate the idea of trial by combat, thus crushing hopes for the much-hyped Cleganebowl, the theorized fight to the death between Sandor (The Hound) and Gregor "The Mountain" Clegane (Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson) with Cersei Lannister's (Lena Headey) life on the line. Ugh, Tommen, you inbred twit. Why don't you cancel Christmas while you're at it?
I know trial by combat wasn't the most just way of solving issues, but it sure beats seven old conservative men thrusting their antiquated morals on others. At least trial by combat had about a 50/50 chance of getting it right and provided entertainment. Are you stoked to hear these septons chastise Cersei and Loras (Finn Jones) about who they can and cannot love? No you are not.
Thankfully we got some Zombie Mountain action before the Cleganebowl hype was brutally murdered. When the Faith Militant arrived to summon Cersei before the High Sparrow, Cersei was like, "Let me think about i-NOPE." One particularly faithful militant must have been a little deep into some holy wine because he thought it would be a good idea to attack Zombie Mountain. It wasn't!
The only thing that could have made that better was if Zombie Mountain crushed the guy's head against his face like he was a tailgater crushing an empty beer can. If I get to choose my death, I want to go like that, please.
One small note of interest: What were naughty necromancer Qyburn (Anton Lesser) and Cersei talking about when they mentioned the rumors that the "little birds" discovered were true? Was it the size Pod's "magical" endowment? Was it The Hound's return (keep Cleganebowl hype alive!)? Or was it -- as Internet theorists have guessed -- the rumored large cache of wildfire that King Aerys "The Mad King" Targaryen had stashed underneath King's Landing? If it is indeed wildfire, will Cersei use it against the Faith? And will Tommen be included in that, fulfilling the prophecy that all her children will die? I hope so, and I pray to whatever god will see that happen.